F*ck off and die - A sh*tty guide to getting through the f*cked up first month of a break up.

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My ex is on social! Can I murder him now?

By Sarah Robinson on April 18, 2017

Unless your ex actually fucks off and dies, there’s a good chance you’ll encounter him on social media. Or, if you’re like me and most other women I know, you’ll actively search for him in a wild trance, only to later ask yourself, ‘what exactly was I trying to achieve?’

Maybe something like:

  • Oh, look at his shitty life, he was so much better off with me.
  • Oh, look at his hot new girlfriend, I bet she’s better at sex than me.
  • Oh, look at that new t-shirt he’s wearing, it’s like he’s a whole different person.
  • Oh, I am so depressed now.

If you’re on that kind of spiral, you’re well and truly fucked. But there are some things you can do to make the pain mildly better.

It’s not stalking it’s research

When you’ve just had a break up, social media is your worst enemy.

Not only are you faced with the highlight reel of every fucker you’ve ever met (or haven’t met), you’re also confronted with him, in semi-real time, looking more recovered than you are.

So. What the fuck do you do?

  1. Admit you have a problem. We’ve all been there. It’s fucked, but that doesn’t mean you are.
  2. Tell someone you trust. A friend, preferably someone who is good at taking action. Tell them you need them to help you. Tell them to read step 3 of this blog.
  3. Said friend now needs to BLOCK the fucker from your Facebook account. (And Unfollow or block them on all others.)
  4. It may sound psycho, but during this time, you are fucking psycho, and likely to spiral into a digital vortex of pain and insecurity. So back the fuck away from his social media.
  5. Seeing him in any capacity on social media will not make you feel better, especially when you’re in that fucked up first month. You still miss the hell out of him during this time, even though you probably know goddamn well he’s not the man for you.

The ambush

There you are, sipping some kind of herbal tea being fabulous, laughing at a Nihilist Meme that makes you ponder the pointlessness of existence, when BAM, he comes up on your feed.

You’ve blocked him. You unfollowed him. You have a VRO against him. But somehow, he snuck through the cracks through an obscure mutual friend you didn’t even know he liked.

Cue spiral into depressive thoughts.

This is when you need real back up. That means contacting a person who really has your back.

I’m talking the kind of person who has seen you cry for real. (The kind when you’re blubbering and red and puffy, and there’s literally nothing attractive about you.)

Tell said person what happened as soon as you can – via message, phone, ESP – whatever works best for you. The point is to let someone else know what you’re going through, so you get out of your head and into the real world.

If they’re ultra-awesome they will tell you the following things. And just in case they don’t, I am going to:

  • You are awesome, fabulous, and exactly where you need to be on your journey, right now.
  • He is a fucker, and will have bad sex for the rest of his life.
  • Your life is better than his (this is true, just because you’re a woman and therefore probably have deeper and more connected friendships than him).
  • You are loved by so many people.

Good riddance mutha fucka

It’s really hard to stop yourself doing anything, especially if you’re impulsive like me, and have a neural pathway that encourages you to do things, especially when they’re bad for you.

So if you do end up researching him online, give yourself a fucking break. Once it’s done, drink some Milo and try not to be too hard on yourself. Sometimes beating ourselves up is the shittiest part of it all.

If you do want a small weapon in your arsenal, a Good Riddance list may be worth wielding. Don’t worry, like most shitty tips in Fuck off and die, it’s easy.

Here’s how it works:

Write down everything you didn’t like about your ex. Nothing is too petty or intense.

The idea is that when you start reminiscing about how great and perfect he was, you read the list and remember reality.

I bet he’s not the man you thought he was. I bet that even if he did break up with you, you know he isn’t really right for you. (Hone in on that ‘gut’ feeling and it’ll tell you what’s what.)

Carry the list around, and any time you feel like going psycho social, cast your eyes over it. When you feel like you don’t need the list anymore, set it on fire. (Like these legends did at my book launch.)

Photo: Kelly Harwood Photography for Elements Margaret River

Buy my fucking book

This is also a page from Fuck off and die, so you can buy the book if you like. (I really need money because I spent it all on alcohol for the book launch. I’m not joking.)

Also, it might help you a bit. Not a lot, but definitely a bit.

Sarah xox

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