I love the idea of casual sex so much.
I even tried it a handful of times, and in most instances, enjoyed it thoroughly. But around a day after the deed I felt like crap.
I know this isn’t the case for every woman. In fact, I’m envious of those who can fuck a guy and walk away without feels.
But I tend to get attached to people once they stick their dick in me. (Sorry not sorry.)
When I was in Byron Bay a while ago I met a lanky dude with lanky hair who was kind of an arse hole. One thing led to another and we had sex. All of a sudden, I was so into him.
It made me feel like a fucking crazy person.
Objectively, I couldn’t understand how I went from ‘meh’ to ‘yew’ after one whiskey fuelled evening of sex.
I started reading about the physiological effects of sex for women, because my desire to be around lank-head unsettled me.
Here is the shit I found
- Oxytocin, AKA the ‘cuddle hormone’, is released during sex, which lowers a woman’s defence mechanisms and results in us feeling more trust towards the person we’re fucking.
- Oxytocin also makes us feel greater empathy and helps us bond. In other words, your body doesn’t give a fuck if the dude is a one night stand or something more. (Nice work body.)
- This is probably why I felt like shit after the initial awesomeness of sex, because my body was telling me to be with what’s-his-face for longer than one night.
- Men don’t get the bonding reaction in their body. Dopamine is released instead, which gives them pleasure and can be addictive. (Good. On. You.)
- So my body is saying ‘oh, I think I might be in love with you one night stand guy,’ and his body is saying, ‘that was cool, let’s do it again.’
- Apparently it’s also why sex addiction is more common in men. Okay, not really relevant to this blog, but whatever.
2017 = no casual dick (from now on)
This year I decided I would not enter the casual dick vortex again. It was going exceptionally well until I met a gorgeous man and fell right back in.
From the beginning, he told me he wasn’t able to commit to anything more than a ‘hook up’, so I knew where I stood. Yet I kept coming back for more.
Pretty soon my brain decided I wanted more than sex. Knowing he was not in a place to give me what I wanted, I stopped things.
I cried for a day. Then felt relieved because I wasn’t putting myself through the pain of being with someone who couldn’t be with me the way I wanted.
I knew I deserved better than that. But fuck, it was still hard.
One thing I do know is that when a man tells me something about himself, especially in the beginning, I need to listen.
If he says he’s not ready for a relationship. He’s probably not.
So many times I have dated a guy and ignored direct information about where he is at in the hope he might change his mind.
Casual sex can be cruel
We are not supposed to call casual hook ups relationships, but really, you are in a form of a relationship.
You have sex with them, open up to them, and sometimes go out for breakfast with them, but there is no hope for a future.
It can be a cruel thing when one person wants more, and I have never experienced a casual relationship where each person is equally okay with what is happening.
I am sure other people have. I have friends (usually men), that tell me they have had casual relationships, and it’s been cool and great.
But I just fucking can’t. It hurts my heart.
When I sleep with someone, I connect with them. Not just because of the evil cuddle drug oxytocin, but also because I generally have an emotional connection with the people I go to bed with, even if it’s just a one night thing.
I like getting to know people. I am attracted to a person’s brain and the way they see the world. And that attraction is more than just physical.
Even the hottest dude isn’t so great if he’s not doing it for my mind.
I wish I could fuck like a guy (not literally)
After clawing my way out of the casual dick vortex I started to feel a lot better.
But a part of me wishes I could swap oxytocin for dopamine and fuck people without feeling I’m test driving my next husband’s dick. (I’m a sucker for hyperbole.)
I love the idea that women in the 21st century can have sex with multiple men and not be judged (although I think double standards still very much exist re. women fucking lots of men, but that’s another blog).
Ultimately, I don’t feel empowered when I have casual sex. I feel empty and shitty within 24 hours, and I wonder why I did it in the first place. (TBH probably because I was drunk or high and it was fun.)
Every human is different and some women find casual sex empowering. I want to be you. Sex is great, and I don’t know many people who don’t like it.
But I also wonder if sex can ever really be casual. I mean, how does someone even casually stick a dick in you?
I find that it’s always something more. You talk, you share, you cuddle and you bond. And eventually, someone gets hurt.
I’m not saying all sex has to be in a relationship, but I feel a lot less open to having sex with someone that has already closed off to the possibility of one from the beginning.
If he’s not ready for a relationship, why should he get the benefits of one? When I leave feeling empty and sad that I’m not enough?
In reality I know I am enough. I am awesome and loving and fun (some might argue against this). But in that 24-hours post casual sex, my self-worth takes a hit.
This is why I’m tuning into my gut feelings and doing my best to stay out of the casual dick vortex. (My best, cause whatever, you can’t be perfect.)
Art by Jade Foo