F*ck off and die - Crass comfort for anyone going through heartbreak.

Okay. You’re probably not even thinking about online dating right now. Especially if you’ve just had your heart ripped out by some fucker.

If you are, who the fuck cares there’s no right or wrong way to get through a break up. Do it. Don’t do it. But if you do, be safe. And I don’t just mean use a condom. (Please use a fucking condom. Seriously.)

After a couple of months I jumped on Tinder with the express desire for casual sex. One dick in 9 years can get boring, and I’d seen my mates swiping through the app like it was some kind of online shopping cart.

As I discovered, it was. But that’s a story for later.

Tinder is lame, but who cares

I always thought online dating was for losers who couldn’t meet a guy in a bar. But I can meet guys in bars, and so can heaps of my friends who are on Tinder.

Also, guys in bars are not all that great. And most of them are on Tinder anyway, so what’s the difference.

Anyway, this blog isn’t about justifying Tinder. It’s about a very smart friend of mine who, when she discovered I was going to give it a shot, gave me a list of rules for circumnavigating the app.

Since using Tinder, and attending around 7 dates, I’ve added my own.

Some are a load of shit. Some are stupid. Some, I recommend following at all costs. You can decide which ones apply to you.

12 shitty rules for Tinder

1. Swipe left on a guy posing next to an unconscious or dead animal. If he’s okay with that, who knows what else he’s okay with.
2. This doesn’t include fish, because unfortunately, if you live in a small town like I do, they all pose with dead fish.
3. Swipe left on any man posing in bed looking at the camera. Unless you want to get laid and like a man who gives you a sneak peek into what he looks like laying in his unwashed sheets.
4. Swipe left on anyone who posts a selfie in the toilet. Don’t have friends to take a photo of you? Not my man. Think a toilet is an exceptional backdrop to your profile pic? Also not my man.
5. Avoid men who post photos posing with their girlfriends and/ or wives. Because, dude, what the fuck?
6. Don’t engage with any man who tells you to be anything in their bio. For example, ‘no crazy chicks,’ or ‘swipe left if you’re into trout pouting’. For fuck’s sake, we haven’t even met and you’re already telling me what to do.
7. NO DJ’s, musicians, men holding guitars.
8. Definitely no one who says they work at the ‘School of life’.
9. No blonde tips, or sunnies that belong in the nineties in a non-ironic way.
10. No guys wearing sunglasses, because what is he hiding?
11. No dudes in groups. How the fuck are we meant to tell who you are? Or do you want us to date a group of your friends too?
12. Also, if they have a dog, you may consider swiping right. But only if it is exceptionally cute.

If you follow all of these rules, you will probably say no to every single person on Tinder, so use your intuition, except in the case of points 1 and 4 through 9.

Happy swiping!

Sarah x

 

* Most of these rules came from Jade Foo. Who swiped left on her boyfriend, and then was set up with him on a blind date later.